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                                                               Angband Humor
                                                                            
                        Tolkien and his poor writing
                                      
                               by Chris Kern
                                      
   It seems that Tolkien has not thought very clearly before writing his
   books. He really needs to think things through before even putting pen
   to paper. Some examples:
     * Beren goes through all the trouble of having Luthien put Morgoth
       to sleep, sneaking in, etc. All he has to do is read some glyph of
       warding scrolls and shoot him with some bolts. He should have
       found some if he went down to level 100 of Angband. And how did he
       get down so low with only Angrist? This story is obviously not
       well thought out.
     * Hurin manages to slay Mim, and the story makes to mention of his
       stuff getting disenchanted. I guess mabye he didn't have magical
       things, but Tolkien could have given us a little clue.
     * According to Unfinished Tales, in the final days before Hurin's
       capture he would not wear his iron helm. Why the hell not? Didn't
       he notice when he put it on there was magic light and he suddenly
       could see all the monsters around him? No wonder he got captured.
     * Gothmog fails to summon anything in his fight with Echtelion, even
       though there is no mention of an anti-summoning corridor.
     * Turin somehow manages to use Mormegil, with its huge minuses, to
       off Glaurung in one blow. I don't think so. Glaurung also has
       "Gothmog syndrome" when he doesn't summon any ancient dragons.
       "Father of Dragons" indeed.
     * Excuse me, Mr. Tolkien, it's "Mugash" not "Muzgash", and he's a
       kobold, not an orc. Geez.
     * It is impossible for Bard to kill Smaug with one arrow using the
       Long Bow of Bard, unless our redoutable human has hacked the
       source code. One wonders exactly what the "black arrow" is.
     * This could be attributed to luck, but while in Moria the party
       manages to completely avoid the Evil Iggy. Gandalf also uses an
       unorthodox strategy of beating the Balrog which involves no
       invulnerability potions.
     * Okay, I thought Gandalf was supposed to be honorable. But he had
       cheat death on! Glorfindel also uses cheats.
     * Is Samwise Gamgee at some kind of negative level? Sting provides
       at least 3 attacks, but he only makes two seperate swipes against
       Shelob. Also, Shelob exhibits "Gothmog Syndrome" when she fails to
       summon even one spider.
     * Okay...how did Aragorn turn a Broken Sword into Anarion? The book
       mentions "forging". Nice euphemism for "hacking"; he obviously
       went to the Forge of Hex Editing. I think he took cheating lessons
       from Gandalf.
     * Gandalf was putting on a show for the Fellowship. With Narya and
       its immunity to fire, he had nothing to fear from Muar. He
       obviously had some ulterior motive, probably to cover up the fact
       that his Cheat Death option is on.
     * Beren somehow gets the Iron Crown of Morgoth even though he
       doesn't slay the evil fiend. There's some heavy duty cheating
       going on here....
     * Tolkien overestimates the power of the One Ring. Sorry, but
       "Control Ringwraith", "Ressurection", and "Rule the World" are not
       innate powers of the ring, nor are they in the list of "Bizzare
       Things" that it activates for. Perhaps Tolkien misread the
       spoilers?
     * After slaying Muar, Gandalf does not pick up Calris. (Or maybe he
       didn't read the spoilers to find out that it was good; although
       this is unlikely given his other cheating.)
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                           The Variant Maintainer
                                      
                   by Julian Lighton (author of SAngband)
                                      
   The Variant Maintainer ('p')
   He has slain 74 of your ancestors, who remain unavenged. A deranged
   programmer, scattering bizarre ideas and bad code everywhere. He moves
   highly erraticly, and unbelievably quickly. He is invisible. He can
   breathe confusion, and is magical, casting spells that summon software
   bugs, summon Random Number Gods, and crash the game, 1 time in 2. He
   can hit to drain macros, hit to invalidate save files, hit to change
   your spells, and hit to consume your free time. You feel an intense
   desire to kill this monster...
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                        Effects of too much Angband
                                      
              by various people on rec.games.roguelike.angband
                                      
     * Sizing up your friends thinking about how many hit points they
       have.
     * Hitting on girls saying, "Hey, I'm so tough I could kill Tiamat"
     * Thinking about how many XP's you would get if you killed your
       neighbor's stupid dog.
     * Your girlfriend is lying on the couch watching "Facts of Life"
       reruns.
     * Rummaging through your closet hoping to find Ringil.
     * Screaming 'MCA', when hungry.
     * Screaming 'MAB' and 'MAH' every hundred yards.
     * When you've been playing a good 10 hours and going outdoors, you
       start to 'cringe from the light'.
     * Trying to read WOR's when waiting for the elevator.
     * Hitting on girls saying, 'Hey I just *killed* Tiamat'.
     * Making silly pick-up lines like 'Wanna go home to my place and
       look at all my weapons of Westernesse?'.
     * Ordering 'potions of confusion' instead of beer.
     * Eating mushrooms of hallucination and watching all the ascii
       symbols appear.
     * Searching the walls of every building you come in for secret
       doors.
     * Trying to disarm your flight bag.
     * Only carrying a maximum of 22 items at any given time, regardless
       of size.
     * Refusing to use a bank and carring all your money on your person
       only to get mugged by a filthy street urchin while leaving your
       house.
     * Asking the bookstore if they have Raal's Tome of Destruction.
     * Trying to frost bolt your worst enemy.
     * Automatically killing singing happy drunks whenever you find them.
     * Carrying a flashlight in one hand, a pencil in another, and a
       notebook in another.
     * Putting on clothes you find lying around, just to see what happens
       to your AC.
     * Resting for the better part of a day wherever you happen to get
       tired.
     * Hunting around for a potion of Cure Light Wounds for that paper
       cut.
     * Hacking away at where you think clear icky things are.
     * Continually walking up and down flights of stairs, refusing to
       enter a floor until you get a 'special' feeling about the place.
     * Wishing that you were on the wizard-list for real life (ie.
       reality).
     * Letting every dog that you meet breath on you in hopes that your
       physique will be improved.
     * Spending entirely to much time wondering what NEXUS or CHAOS would
       smell like.
     * Refering to male-genitalia as a Rod of Probing.
     * Hoping that yours is not a Rod of Speed.
     * Bashing down every door you come to after you find that you not
       dexterous enough to simply open them.
     * You know you have compiled too much variants when: you know which
       order the files are in, and their relative compilation speeds.
       (Mark Howson)
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                           When I was your age...
                                      
                by various people on the Angband IRC channel
                                      
   Cookie3: "back in my day, we were lucky if we had 3 charisma. If
   prices weren't at least 4x normal, we wouldn't buy it."
   Cookie3: "We'd also sit around in town killing aimless merchants so we
   could buy that Ring of Speed -1 {cursed} for 500,000 gold."
   markh: Hey - I've *done* that :)
   markh: Of course, we didn't use gold back then...
   Morgoth: You paid with broken sticks?
   markh: If you wanted something, you killed someone for it. None of yer
   fancy 'shops'. You kids have it easy.
   Morgoth *grin*
   * markh cuffs Morgoth round ear
   markh: Kids, eh?
   * Morgoth grins
   Cookie3: "We had to fight mean looking mercs for their magic items. Of
   course, they'd only drop Slime Molds, but we were lucky if we had
   food."
   markh: Food? *Food*?!?
   markh: We'd have *loved* hearing about food.
   markh: I didn't even know food existed until I was 20.
   markh: I had to eat dirt.
   markh: And considered myself lucky.
   * markh shakes head
   Cookie3: "Dirt? We were lucky if we could find dirt. We all had
   permanently cursed Rings of Levitation. We couldn't even touch the
   ground if we wanted to."
   Cookie3: ... ah, but kids today, they just don't understand.
   markh: *lol*
   Cookie3: "Of course, the Rings of Levitation were magical, and magic
   would fail 95% of the time, no matter how skilled you were."
   Cookie3: "If a Ring failed, you were tossed into space, never to be
   seen again."
   markh: Magic? *Magic?*
   * markh fears he's turning into something from a Monty Python
   sketch...
   Cookie3: "Not only that, but if you wanted to play Angband, you had to
   code it yourself. Since we didn't have Hard Drives, you could't save
   even if you wanted to. "precompiled" didn't exist back then!"
   markh: Ha! Ha! I bet you had one of those fancy 'keyboards', didn't
   you?
   markh: Pah. I had to enter the whole game via switches first!
   Morgoth: and you had to retype the source every time you wanted to
   play
   * markh nods to Morgoth. I see you're a veteran.
   Morgoth: And compiling a compiler without a compiler - that was fun!
   markh: And I couldn't afford paper so I had to memorise all the switch
   positions...
   Cookie3: "Keyboard? Nay, you jest! We had to use ROCKS!"
   Morgoth: You had Rocks?
   markh: Rocks, eh? Call me Lord Cookie
   * markh looks disgusted
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                           New ZAngband Features!
                                      
                by various people on the Angband IRC channel
                                      
   Adam_H: I'm sure the new version of Zangband will fix all that. I
   think among the new features Robert should add, "And it's a chick
   magnet!"
   * Cookie3 rolls on the floor, laughing!
   Cookie3: "Angband; now with less sodium! A proven chick-magnet! Kills
   bacteria in 5 minutes!"
   Remco: let's put up some billboards with posters with beach chicks on
   it, and the slogan "ZAngband is good for you" or so ;-)
   * Adam_H laughs at Cookie3.
   Cookie3: "Cookie3: Before I played angband, I was a short little kid.
   Now I'm a short little teenager! Thanks Angband!"
   * Adam_H laughs out loud.
   Remco: "We hope you enjoyed playing ZAngband as much as we enjoyed
   making it. If you didn't, you are different and strange. All your
   friends love ZAngband."
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                           Save Our Slime Molds!
                                      
  by Aidan Ryder, Eric Bock, and DSCreamer on rec.games.roguelike.angband
                                      
Aidan Ryder:

Does anyone else collect and name slime molds?

My home looks a bit like this:
a) A slime mold {Milton}
b) A slime mold {Jeremy}
c) A slime mold {Thomas}....

:Eric Bock:

:LOL!
:That's probably the strangest Angband ritual I've ever heard of.
:AFAIK, you're the only one :)

The only one in the "Save Our Slime Mold" association?
And I wondered why the conventions were underattended...

And I do it in RL too...;)

:Any particular reason?  And do any of them look even remotely close to
:something one would want to munch on? :)

I've always visualised a slime mold as sort of a green lump with little
eyes on stalks on top. They are my friends. Do not eat them.

You know, I cry whenever I find Slime Mold juice.

::DSCreamer:

::Don't! Slime mold juice is artificial!

Must be some errr... interesting E numbers in it...

::Artificially produced by magic in the alchemy shop, of course.
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                          What Angband *really* is
                                      
                by Adam Horowitz on the Angband IRC channel
                                      
   Adam: My little Yorkshire terrier just brought me a "cow-ear" from
   downstairs
   
   Robert: What is a "cow-ear"? I hope it's not what I think.
   
   Newbie .. just coming in: What is Angband?
   
   Adam: It's exactly what you think. Kind of scary, eh? A little doggie
   chew toy. And it's in the middle of my carpet.
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                            The amphibious Whale
                                      
              by Remco Gerlich on rec.games.roguelike.angband
                                      
   The amphibious Whale ('~')/('~'):[(r)ecall, ESC]
   
   Your ancestors have killed thousands of these creatures. It is fed up
   with evolution, and returning to dry land. It is often found on
   beaches, where groups of helpful treehuggers will try to pull it back
   into the sea. It doesn't move; it hopes the environment freaks will
   think it's dead. A kill of this creature is worth tons of blubber for
   any character. It can claim to be a mammal, repeat that it is a
   mammal, repeat that it is a mammal, and explode (in very gory
   fashion).
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                             Famous last words
                                      
              by various people on rec.games.roguelike.angband
                                      
     * It did HOW MUCH damage?!
     * Just one more round before I use that potion of *Healing*.
     * Cyberdemon? What's that?
     * Hey, I didn't know those things could breathe!
     * I'll be fine unless he hits with ALL his attacks.
     * I'd sure get a lot of XP if I could beat that guy...
     * OK, I'll save just enough mana to cast Teleport.
     * Great Hell Wyrm? No prob, I resist fire.
     * The Angel of Death? Who needs nether resistance?
     * Either he's going to kill me or I'm going to kill him.
     * WHO summons Ancient Dragons?
     * Hey, I'm stunned, what's that?
     * I think I've finally gotten the hang of this.
     * Wonder what that is?
     * If I try this staff it's bound to get me out of here
     * Why can't I find the cure serious wounds when I need one?
     * I'll be safe down these stai....arrrgh!
     * I wonder what a Sky Drake breathes?
     * What happens if I drink this? It'll cost less than IDing it.
     * What does 'breeds explosively' mean?
     * It took me for /how/ /many/ HP?!!! (killed by the Tarrasque)
     * Argh! Get of the keyboard you bloody cat... Oh No! <sob> (killed
       by a small fluffy cat... grrr...)
     * Just one more turn... C'mon, recover damn you! Oh. (poisoned)
     * I'll just start windoze on the 2nd processor - no need to save...
       (killed by a software bug ;)
     * He's stunned, I don't need to heal quite yet...
     * He can't possibly mana storm three times in a row. (After of
       course getting sauron down to 1 star.)
     * What's it doing this high in the dungeon?
     * What's toxic waste?
     * Aaargh!
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                     Journal of a Barbarian Monk (YASD)
                                      
                by "Azhrarn" on rec.games.roguelike.angband
                                      
   As I arrived at 1400' today, a disembodied voice announced that I must
   kill 9 Raal's Tomes of Destruction. The notes of my ancestors spoke of
   these creatures. Be warned, they said, for these foul books possess a
   fearsome array of magicks. But I fear not, for I am a strong (L31) and
   hale (400 hp) fighter, and no mere collection of parchment could
   possibly stand up to my deadly strikes. I will use the powers gifted
   me by Nature to detect these evil tomes from afar, and will tunnel
   through the walls to come upon them unbeknownst. For though I lack
   nether resistance, and confusion resistance, and poison resistance,
   and in fact all 4 elemental resistances, I will kill them so quickly
   they will barely have the chance to launch a single spell.
   
   This is Bob Hayworth, reporting live for Dungeon News at the scene of
   another brutal slaying. Officials have just finished removing the body
   of Yet Another Dumb Adventurer, who was apparently killed by a magical
   book. The exact cause of death is unknown at this point, but
   preliminary reports suggest water bolts, fire and poison were
   involved. Eyewitness monsters describe the battle as short but bloody,
   with all of the blood apparently coming from the adventurer, who did
   not actually even hurt the magic book. I will now try to get a few
   words from the victor. Mr. Raal's, do you feel this killing was
   justified? Mr. Raal's? Mr. Raal's, just a few words, please? Mr.
   Raal's? Do you have something to say? C'mon, out with i-
   aaaaarrrggggh!!
   
   Bob? Are you there Bob? We've lost the satellite feed, Bob. Are you
   still there? Excuse us, folks, we're having some technical
   difficulties. We'll be back after a short word from our sponsors, Bad
   Idea Jeans...
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                      Murphy's and Sod's Angband Laws
                                      
by John I'anson-Holton, Mischa E Gelman, Gwidon S. Naskrent, Chase Tingley,
            "Vicarys", and "Jeff" on rec.games.roguelike.angband
                                      
   Most of you will have heard of Murphy's Law and, perhaps, Sod's Law
   which state, respectively, that:
   
   "If anything can go wrong, it will go go wrong"; and
   "If something is going to go wrong, it will do so at the worst
   possible time and place".
   
   These two laws govern and explain everything that happens to us from
   why our toast always fall with the jam side (or jelly side for our
   American friends :-) )down to why the queue you are in at the
   Supermarket is always the slowest. It is a sad but inescapable truth
   that these two laws and their corollaries extend themselves into the
   game of Angband.
     _________________________________________________________________
   
                       Murphy and Sod's Angband Laws
                                      
    1. If you are fighting a monster and are down to single digit
       hitpoints and quaff an un-id'd potion, read an un-id'd scroll or
       use an unid'd wand in the desperate hope that it will save you,
       they will be a Potion of Poison, a Scroll of Summon Monster and a
       Wand of Haste/Heal Monster respectively
    2. All un-id'd items sold will be of immense value.
    3. If your character dies, when reviewing their inventory and
       equipment you will find a minimum of three items that could have
       saved you.
    4. If you find an out of depth Ring of Speed, it will be cursed. If
       it is not cursed, it will be destroyed by a lightning attack just
       after you pick it up.
    5. If you are a Mage, you will maximize your wisdom before finding
       your first Potion of Intelligence. The opposite will be true for
       Priests.
    6. If you desperately desire an item, it will show up in the Black
       Market several times for far more AU than you currently have. Once
       you have saved up enough, it will never appear again.
    7. If you wield a Two-Handed Sword 4d6 without first id'ing it, it
       will be Mormegil.
    8. The first several dungeon spell books you find will be for the
       wrong discipline.
    9. Only warriors can find Raal's Tome of Destruction or the Prayer
       Book Wrath of God with any reliability.
   10. If you accidentally read a Scroll of Curse Armor/Weapon it will
       target you most valuable piece of equipment. Heaven help you if
       you do it on purpose.
   11. If you desperately need to cast a spell/prayer, you'll fail three
       times in a row irregardless of your fail rate.
   12. Other people will boast about finding the Hard Leather Boots of
       Feanor on multiple occasions. The only time you'll see them is
       when you fall asleep at night.
   13. If your computer is going to crash, it'll wait until just after
       you have found the best item in your life to do so.
   14. Never throw flasks of oil at a monster if you are carrying healing
       potions for obvious reasons.
   15. Reading a Scroll of Acquirment will give you a Dwarven Pick of
       Digging nine times out of ten.
   16. High level mages who've found that quaffing a Potion of
       Detonations while invulnerable can be kind of fun, will
       innevitably try it with a Potion of Death. Whoops!!
   17. If you are a high level character who dies while battling a horde
       of ancient dragons, greater undead, greater demons and/or deep
       uniques, you can be sure that your tombstone will show that a
       small kobold got the fatal blow.
   18. The one time you decide to go below 2,000 ft wothout Poison
       Resistance will be the one time a Drolem breathes from offscreen.
   19. A well kept secret: All powerful artifacts are actually carried by
       Green Glutton Ghosts and not monsters like Tiamat.
   20. If you get hit by an unresisted Nexus attack, the two stats
       swapped will be the exact combination that you would have least
       wanted to be switched around.
   21. A priest or paladin will never be granted the prayer they were
       hoping to learn the first time around.
   22. If an item in your inventory is destroyed or stolen, it will be
       the one you need next.
   23. If you leave Thorin at home in favour of Celegorm or Anarion, the
       next unique you meet will be Ancalagon the Black. Simiarly, any
       choice to leave out a vital resistance will result in the majority
       of all monsters generated having an attack to exploit that
       opening.
   24. All special feelings between 2,000 ft and 3,000 ft are graveyards.
   25. Unique monsters will often drop the one item that would have made
       them incredibly easy to kill.
   26. (preserve mode only) Every special level you explore fully has a
       jelly pit at the very end, or orc pit. Every one you give up on
       had a key artifact.
   27. You are guaranteed to die five turns after you've found an awesome
       OoD item. (Especially true for Ghost Beastmasters)
   28. The random invulnerability mutation will always activate in the
       town, and never when the Cyberdemons appear.
   29. The moment you find something you can sell for loads and loads all
       the shopkeepers change and the shop limits plummet to 5000.
   30. Each time you find that Holy Avenger Whip at 250', your character
       won't have DEX/STR enough to get more than one blow with it.
   31. The damage done from spells and weapons is calculated as being
       inversely proportional to the danger posed to you by the creature
       you are fighting. If you have a weapon that is 4d6, any creatures
       that can give you trouble will receive 4 points damage. Superb
       hits calculated on top of 24 points damage are reserved for the
       scrawny cats and the white louse exclusively.
   32. If by chance you *do* get an artifact from "Acquirement", you are
       guaranteed to die in ten turns.
       
    1997/98 by Robert Rhlmann, rr9@angband.org [News] [To the Misc
   Page] 
