                Scientific Jokes (More or Less) 1.3
                -----------------------------------

This list was compiled 1994-05-03 by Lars Olofsson.

The latest version of this list (as an uuencoded zipfile) may 
be requested by sending email to <fileserver@wmute.trillium.se>
In the body of the letter write

GET scijokes.zip
END

or

GET scijokes.txt
END

The jokes in this list is mostly taken from eunet.jokes .

Contributions, comments or abuse may be sent <larso@wmute.trillium.se>.
Many thanks to the contributors, especially to Joachim Verhagen.

                                ****

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe  watching
people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. 
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". 
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

                                ****


What do you get when you put a spinning flywheel in a casket and
turn a corner?

        A funeral precession

                                ****

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel
sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms.  

The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled
out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics
equations.  After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got 
a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a
precise amount of water.  He threw it on the fire, extinguishing
it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned
on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment,
which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk,
began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you -name-it,
and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and
exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!"
He then went back to sleep.

                                ****

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
that?"

                                ****

A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.

The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?'
The physics-students ask: `Why?'
The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?'
The chemistry-students ask:  `Till next Monday?'
The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?'
The laws-students answer: `We already have.'
The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'

                                ****

A Physicist, an astronomer and a mathematician are walking one day through
the Scottish Highlands, when they chance to see a black sheep.

"Ah!" says the astronomer, "that shows that scottish sheep are black."

"No, come on, you can't say that from a single observation," says the
physicist, "all you can say is that black sheep are found in Scotland."

"No," says the mathematician, "all you can say from this observation is that
from the angle we are looking at it, at this point in time, this particular
sheep, APPEARS to be black."

                                ****

Three men with degrees in mathmatics, physics and biology are locked
up in dark rooms for research reasons.

A week later the researchers open the a door, the biologist steps out
and reports: `Well, I sat around until I started to get bored, then
I searched the room and found a tin which I smashed on the floor.
There was food in it which I ate when I got hungry. That's it.'

Then they free the man with the degree in physics and he says:
`I walked along the walls to get an image of the room's geometry, then
I searched it. There was a metal cylinder at five feet into the room
and two feet left of the door. It felt like a tin and I threw it at
the left wall at the right angle and velocity for it to crack open.'

Finally, the researchers open the third door and hear a faint voice
out of the darkness: `Let C be an open can.'

                                ****

It takes two general relativists to change a light bulb.  One holds 
the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.

It takes also two economists. One assumes the ladders and the other
changes the bulb.

But how many lawyers does it take? As many as the customer affords.

And how many engineers ? Well, one doesn't need an engineer to change
the light bulb.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb.
None.  It's a hardware problem.

Q:  How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot.
                                ****

How do you prove that all odd numbers are prime ? Depends who you ask ...

Logician:
  Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime
  Proof:
    1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
    2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.
    From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime

Physicist:
        3 is a prime
        5 is a prime
        7 is a prime
        9 is not prime, experimental error

Mathematician:

        3 is a prime
        5 is a prime
        7 is a prime
        by induction all the rest are prime

Engineer:

        3 is a prime
        5 is a prime
        7 is a prime
        9 is a prime

                                ****


Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.

                                ****

Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants
to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and
a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices
that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great
russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed
of light.

                                ****

In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what 
are you up to?"

"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit.  

"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"

"Well, follow me and I'll show you."  

They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges 
with a satisfied expression on his face.


Along comes a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"

"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves."

"Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"

"Come with me and I'll show you." ...... 

As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face 
and this time he has a diploma in his paw. 

The camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should 
have guessed by now, we see an enourmous  mean-looking lion sitting next 
to the bloody and furry remains of the wolf and the fox.

The moral of this story is: 

It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 
it's your PhD advisor that counts.

                                ****

The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality.
The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
The mathematician doesn't care.

                                ****

A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it.
An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who
made it.

                                ****

A student is sitting his Physics exam, and quite an important one at
that---maybe his final degree paper or his Oxford Entrance.

Anyway, one of the questions on the paper was to the effect of:

``Q: How could one measure the height of a building using a
barometer?''

Being a wit, in the exam this chap puts:

``A: Drop the barometer from the top of the building and time its
descent.  Using the formula `s = ut + a(t^2)/2' and knowing `a' which
is `g' we can calculate the height of the building with reasonable
accuracy.''  He then goes on to describe in more detail the method he
would use.

The examiners were a little concerned.  Here was one of their star
students giving an answer they hadn't at all expected.

So they decided to call him in and give him an oral test to decide
whether or not to allow the answer which they did admit was perfectly
valid.

So they called him in and told him he had 15 minutes to make his case.
For ten minutes he said nothing but scribbled away furiously.  After
these ten minutes the atmosphere was getting a little tense---this was
meant to be an oral after all, and his degree (or whatever) depended on
it.  When they pointed this out to him he said that he was just trying
to get his thoughts in order as there were so many possible solutions.
Here are some of the ones he came up with:

``1: What you wanted me to do, of course, was measure air pressure at
the top and bottom of the building, and from the difference and knowing
the pressure exerted by a column of air of unit height I should be able
to calculate the height of the building.  But I thought that would be
terribly inaccurate and the answer I gave in the exam and the following
ones are all potentially more accurate.

2: Measure the length of shadow cast by the bulding and by the
barometer on a sunny day.  Knowing the actual height of the barometer
one can compute the height of the building.

3: Tie the barometer to the end of a long bit of string and lower the
barometer from the top of the building to the ground.  Measure the
amount of string payed out and you have the height of the building.''

He then gave several more but ended with:

``The best method  by far, though, would be to go to the building's
janitor and say `If I give you this shiny new scientific barometer will
you tell me how high this building is?' ''

The student passed his exam.

                                ****

- "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

- "No..."

- "Inheritance."
 
                                ****

Heisenberg might have slept here.

Moebius always does it on the same side.

Statisticians probably do it

Algebraists do it in groups.

(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].

                                ****

Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are travelling
in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops. The three atonished men
try to solve the problem:

  - The physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has been
                    overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis.

  - Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been burned 
                    the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the 
                    radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.

  - Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute,
                    and then get in and try again?

                                ****

TWO sodium atoms are walking down the road chatting.   All of a sudden, one 
stops and turns to its friend looking worried:

Na(1)- "Oh No... I think I've lost an Electron!"

Na(2)- "What... are you sure?"

Na(1)- "Yes, I'm Positive!"

                                ****

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair.  Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed."  The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust.  "What? I'm not going to go through
this.  You know I'll never reach the bed!"  And he gets up and storms
out.  The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in.  He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling.  The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"  The physicist smiles
and replied, "Of course!  But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"

                                ****

Dean, to the physics department.  "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
stuff.  Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets.  Or even better,
like the philosophy department.  All they need are pencils and paper."

                                ****

When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

                                ****

A Limerick:

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Translation:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

                                ****

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
Saturday and laid their money down.  Commiserating in the bar after
the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
money.  I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
variations into account.  I did a statistical analysis of their
previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer.  But
before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet.  Obviously here was a
man who knows something about horses.  They both demanded to know his
secret.

"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
horses were identical and spherical..."

                                ****

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and
he will say that on the average he feels fine.

                                ****

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is
not yet ready.  "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory.  We
are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share
the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is
Pete).  Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is
no need to make such a great fuss.  So Pete leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the  present
inhabitants.  "See, Here is your first room mate.  He has an IQ of
180!"
"Why that's wonderful!"  Says Albert.  "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate.  His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert.  "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful!  We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest
rates are headed?"

                               ****

If it moves it is biology, if it stinks it is chemistry and if it does not
work it is physics.

                               ****

Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion...
with confidence.

Surely _statistics_ is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion...
with 95% confidence.

Mathematics is the systematic misuse of a nomenclature developed for that
specific purpose.

                               ****

A student was doing miserably on his oral final exam in General Toplogy
(yes, this guy _really_ did give oral finals in topology). Exasperated by
the student's abysmal performance up to that point, the professor asked the
student "So, what _do_ you know about topology?" The student replied, "I
know the definition of a topologist." The professor asked him to state the
definition, expecting to get the old saw about someone who can't tell the
difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. Instead, the student
replied: "A topologist is someone who can't tell the difference between his
ass and a hole in the ground, but who can tell the difference between his
ass and _two_ holes in the ground."
 
                               ****

          Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Higher Math

The following is a guide to the weary student of mathematics who
is often confronted with terms which are commonly used but rarely
defined.  In the search for proper definitions for these terms we
found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source.  Thus, we
followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time
immortal:  "Wing It."

         CLEARLY:            I don't want to write down all the "in-
                             between" steps.

         TRIVIAL:            If I have to show you how to do this, you're
                             in the wrong class.

         OBVIOUSLY:          I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed
                             this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.

         RECALL:             I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for
                             those of you who erase your memory tapes
                             after every test...

         WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): I'm not about to do all the
                             possible cases, so I'll do one and let you
                             figure out the rest.

         IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: Even you, in your finite wisdom, should
                             be able to prove this without me holding your
                             hand.

         CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the
                             proof, so you can do it on your own time.

         SKETCH OF A PROOF:  I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll
                             break it down into the parts I couldn't
                             prove.

         HINT:               The hardest of several possible ways to do a
                             proof.

         BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): Four special cases, three counting
                             arguments, two long inductions, "and a
                             partridge in a pair tree."

         SOFT PROOF:         One third less filling (of the page) than
                             your regular proof, but it requires two extra
                             years of course work just to understand the
                             terms.

         ELEGANT PROOF:      Requires no previous knowledge of the subject
                             matter and is less than ten lines long.

         SIMILARLY:          At least one line of the proof of this case is
                             the same as before.

         CANONICAL FORM:     4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed
                             recommended this as the final form for their
                             students who choose to finish.

         TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent): If I say this it means that,
                             and if I say that it means the other thing,
                             and if I say the other thing...

         BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to
                             think of it I'm not really sure we did this
                             at all), but if I stated it right (or at
                             all), then the rest of this follows.

         TWO LINE PROOF:     I'll leave out everything but the conclusion,
                             you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.

         BRIEFLY:            I'm running out of time, so I'll just write
                             and talk faster.

         LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board lest
                             I make a mistake.

         PROCEED FORMALLY:   Manipulate symbols by the rules without any
                             hint of their true meaning (popular in pure
                             math courses).

         QUANTIFY:           I can't find anything wrong with your proof
                             except that it won't work if x is a moon of
                             Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses).

         PROOF OMITTED:      Trust me, It's true.

                               ****

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber
ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured
the diamaeter and evaluated a triple integral.  The physicist filled a
beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in
his red-rubber-ball table.

                               ****

Dean, to the physics department.  "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
stuff.  Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets.  Or even better,
like the philosophy department.  All they need are pencils and paper."

                               ****

   Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

   One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.''

   Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''

   The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

                               ****

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence. The engineer is first.  He herds the sheep
into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A
circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of
infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside!"

                               ****

Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were.
The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math.  His dog
was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square,
a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The Accountant said that his dog was better.  His dog, Slide Rule, was
told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into
piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem.

The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to
get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass.  The dog
did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their
dog's were equally smart.

Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do?
The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said,
"Show the fellows what you can do".

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in
for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

                               ****

A mathematician and a physicist are given the task of describing a room.
They both go in, and spend hours meticulously writing down every detail,
each turning in nearly a ream of paper. The next day, the room is changed,
and they are again given the task. The physicist spends the better part
of the day, but the mathematician, amazingly enough, leaves within a
minute. he hands in a single sheet of paper with the following
description:
        Put picture back on wall to return to previously solved state.

                               ****

An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the
following question:

"What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it
back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem
on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the
world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell
you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully,
            then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"

Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.

                               ****

Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have
              profound implications to all of science."

Physicist:   "Not quite.  Physics is well on its way without those
              mythical `foundations'.  Just give us serviceable mathematics."

Computer Scientist:
             "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite
              anyway.  Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs."

Mathematician:
             "Forget all that!  Just make your formulae as aesthetically
              pleasing as possible!"

                               ****

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are
about to be guillotined.  The priest puts his head on the block,
they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's
been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.  The lawyer
is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime
and he is set free too.  They
grab the engineer and shove his head into the
guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait
a minute, I see your problem......"

                               ****

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no
doubt already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations
the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few
minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself
happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.

This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed
right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite
rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers
this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let
alone funny.

                               ****

A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender,
being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve
topologists here."

The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an idea and
performs Dahn surgery upon herself.  She walks into the bar, and the
bartender, who does not recognize her since she is now a different
manifold, serves her a drink.  However, the bartender thinks she looks
familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that
topologist that just came in here?"

To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

                               ****

     After the earth dries out, Noah tells all the animals to 'go forth
and multiply'. However, two snakes, adders to be specific, complain to
Noah that this is one thing they have never been able to do, hard as
they have tried. Undaunted, Noah instructs the snakes to go into the
woods, make tables from the trunks of fallen trees and give it a try
on the tabletops.
The snakes respond that they don't understand how this will help them
to procreate whereupon Noah explains: "Well, even adders can multiply
using log tables!"

                               ****

Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element
known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no
protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero.
However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons,
ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant
vice neutrons.

Administratum has an atomic mass of 311=, since the neutron
is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are
held together by a force which involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert.
Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. One
experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is
still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one
milligramme of Administratum.

It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of
approximately six months. After this time, it does not
actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which
assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost
invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is
self-sustaining.

Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate
around large corporations, research laboratories and
government departments. It can especially be found in
recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe
that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation
and global warming.

It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be
toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any
productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Numerous attempts have been made to determine how
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.

                               ****

Man - A Chemical Analysis
===========================

Element        : Man
Symbol         : Ah (short for Arsehole)
Quantitative   : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length,
                 though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer     : Eve
Occurance      : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
                 concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties : 1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH  (any alcohol).

                      2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly
                         after reaction with Wo (Snore ...  zzzzz).

                      3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses
                         reactive nature.

                      4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.

                      5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction
                         with polluted form of the Wo commom ore.

Chemical properties : 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no
                         further reaction is possible.

                      2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period
                         under extremely favorable conditions.

                      3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available

                      4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to
                         Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the
                         specimen bright red.

                      5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm
                         and wet to violent/bloody.

Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,
          25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses    : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,
          free dinners for Wo...

Tests   : Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
          specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
          reaction to a particular Wo specimen.  Otherwise very maleable
          under correct conditions.

                               ****

Woman - A Chemical Analysis
===========================

Element       : Woman
Symbol        : WO
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer    : Adam
Occurance     :  Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
                 with slighlty lower concentrations in
                 Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
                 seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties  : 1) Surface usually covered with
                          painted film.

                       2) Boils at nothing, freezes
                          without reason.

                       3) Melts if given special
                          treatment.

                       4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
                          Can cause headaches.
                          Handle with care!

                       5) Found in various states;
                          ranging from virgin metal to
                         common ore.

                      6) Yields to pressure applied to
                         correct points.

Chemical Properties : 1) Has great affinity for Gold,
                         Silver, Platinum and many of
                         the Precious Stones.

                      2) Absorbs great quantities of
                         expensive substances.

                      3) May explode spontaneously if
                         left alone on dates.

                      4) Insoluble in liquids, but
                         there is increased activity
                         when saturated in alcohol
                         to a certain point.

                      5) Repels cheap material.
                         Neutral to common sense.

                      6) Most powerful money reducing
                        agent known to Man.

Uses    : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
          Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
          Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
          Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests   : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
          in natural state.
          Turns green when placed beside a better
          specimen.

Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
             hands. Use extreme care when handling.

          2) Illegal to possess more than one.

                                ****

It was a snowy day in my home town last Sunday, and the streets had all
frozen over. We happened to be burying Hal Lindstrom who drove our town snow
plow in the winter time.

So as Hal was being carried out of the Funeral home, the fellows carrying
his coffin slipped and fell on the ice. The coffin hit the ground just
right and took off down the hill and across Main street.

Well, Hal's coffin crashed through the plate glass window of the Bill Smith's
Drug Store. It hit that window hard and flew right on down the Toilettries
aisle, then slammed up against the prescription counter. Well the force of
that impact forced open the casket and Hal jumped right up on the counter
and said "Hey Bill, have you got any thing to stop this coffin?"

                                ****

There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his
medicine and died of an overdose.

                                ****

A little neurological put down:
You've only got two neurons--and one of them's inhibitory.

                                ****

The following problem can be solved either the easy way or the hard way.

Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is
going at a speed of 50 miles per hour.  A fly starting on the front of
one of them flies back and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles
per hour.  It does this until the trains collide and crush the fly to
death.  What is the total distance the fly has flown?

The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times before it
gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the hard way with pencil
and paper by summing an infinite  series of distances.  The easy way
is as follows:  Since the trains are 200 miles apart and each train is
going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide.

Therefore the fly was flying for two hours.  Since the fly was flying
at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles.
That's all there is to it.

When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately
replied, "150 miles."

"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to
sum the infinite series."

"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann.  "That's how I did it!"

                                ****

Von Neumann and Norbert Weiner were both the subject of many dotty
professor stories.  Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply
writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of
solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve
problems.  One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.
Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered,
"Yes".

Weiner was in fact very absent minded.  The following story is told
about him:  When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing
that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT
while she directed the move.  Since she was certain that he would
forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down
the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him.  Naturally,
in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in
his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea,
and threw the piece of paper away.  At the end of the day he went home
(to the old address in Cambridge, of course).  When he got there he
realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved
to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone.
Fortunately inspiration struck.  There was a young girl on the street
and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying,
"Excuse me, perhaps you know me.  I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just
moved.  Would you know where we've moved to?"  To which the young girl
replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget."

The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
story) about the truth of the story, many years later.  She said that
it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!
The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened...

                                ****

Question: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?

Answer:   The moon, because the moon shines at night when
          you want the light, whereas the sun shines
          during the day when you don't need it.

                                ****

C programmers do it with long pointers.

                                ****

 Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of
getting lost, and why humans always end up with large
collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says
that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense
of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have
feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly
impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found
nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).

 On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a
generalised exclusion principle --- it is impossible for two
socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of
happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the
Uncertainty Principle also comes in --- the only time you know
where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to
be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving
and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces,
changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way,
socks may possess Colour and Strangeness, but they seem to lack
Charm.

                                ****

     It may be that human life is "the galaxy's way of evolving
a brain."  This will come as a surprise to pessimists who, contemplating
humankind's destructive tendencies, may be wondering if life isn't the
galaxy's way of eliminating certain planets.

                                ****

                TEN REASONS TO DATE AN ENGINEER
10.  Why not?
 9.  They are user friendly
 8.  No need to call a handy man
 7.  Learn how to use the other buttons on your calculator
 6.  Homework help without the guilt
 5.  They will make lots of money
 4.  Not all of them wear dark blue jeans
 3.  They know how to push the right buttons
 2.  They understand heat-transfer
 1.  They are used to pulling all nighters

                                ****




