Date: Sun Mar  6 00:27:57 1994
From: LFARNUM%smtpgate@CHLAIS.USC.EDU
Subject: Virus Sightings (humor)

We've been having some famous virus sitings here, just as a
response to the folks who have the virus contest.

We're trying to encourage the use of virus scanning software
on PC's...here are
some examples of what we're trying to detect and prevent!

*****

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
re- attaches it.
(But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 80MB, and then
slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great
service you are
getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for
the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns
you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if
by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus",
but instead refers to
itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how old
it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your
system, just before the
whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it
refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays
resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning
any child process without
joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your
komputer, ewe jsut cant
figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all
your diagnostic software
says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes
a lot of people really
mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into
hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be
the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose
38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever
you choose "Abort" from
the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your
Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen
splits erratically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for
the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with
marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for
money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only
to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new
cables, power supply
and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found
again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard
drive simultaneously,
but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an
act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key)
on boot up, then
subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all
on expensive shoes
it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no
virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds
nothing wrong, and sends
you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my
docs....No new
files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space
on your hard
drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine
perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and
erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes
and comes in last in the
reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a
million dollars, it's
programmer will take it back.


Use your virus scan.  Don't let any of these viruses happen to
your PC!

