

"STAR TREK Lost Episodes" transcript.

<Picard>  "Mr.LaForge, have you had any success with your
          attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And
          Mr.Data, have you been able to access their command
          pathways?"

<Geordi>  "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
          searching through our archives on late Twentyieth-
          century computer technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.>

<Riker looks puzzled.>   "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.>  "Allow me to explain. We will send this
          program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the
          Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command
          unit, it will beginn consuming system resources at an
          unstoppable rate."

<Picard>  "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they
          alter their processing systems to increase their
          storage capacity?"

<Data>    "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
          creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'.
          The use of resources increases exponentially with each
          iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly
          enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will
          be taken over and none will be available for their
          normal operational functions."

<Picard>  Excellent work. This is even better than that
          'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

<Data>    "Captain, we have succesfully installed 'Windows' in
          the command unit and as we expected it immediately
          consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not
          received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

<Geordi>  "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
          storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still
          have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for
          their increase."

<Picard>  "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
          there is something we have missed."
<Data>    "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in
          the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented
          that part of the plan by not sending in their
          registration cards."

<Riker>   "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to
          begin emergency escape sequence 3F..."

<Geordi, excited>   "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
          capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

<Picard>  "Data, what does your scanner show ?"

<Data>    "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'windows'
          module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all its CPU
          capacity."

<Picard>  "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce
          their functionality."

<Riker>   "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg ?"

<Geordi>  "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
          compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but
          each time they succesfully increase resources I have set up our
          closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more
          'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft
          fun-pack'."

<Picard>  "How much time will that buy us ?"

<Data>    "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
          interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi>  "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Picardy> "Identify."

<Data>    "It appears to have markings very similar to the
          'Microsoft' logo."

<<over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
          FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
          UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL
          ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
          SECONDS."

<Data>    "The alien ship just opened its forward hatches and
          released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

<Picard>  "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
<Riker>   "Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight
          toward the Borg ship with no life support suits !  How
          can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

<Data>    "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
          look closer I believe you will see that they are
          carrying something recognized by twenty-first century
          man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
          suits."

<Riker and Picard together, horrified>  "Lawyers !!"

<Geordi>  "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rouded up and sent
          hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great
          Awakening."

<Data>    "True, but apparently some must have survived."

<Riker>   "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
          with all types of papers."

<Data>    "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red
          tape', it often proves fatal."

<Riker>   "They're tearing the Borg into pieces !"

<Picard>  "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
          the Borg deserve that."
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